How To Get The Spark Back In A Broken Relationship

So, you’re sitting there wondering where all the magic went, huh? That person who used to make your heart race now barely gets a smile out of you. You’ve gone from lovers to… well, roommates who share a Netflix account.

If you’re nodding your head right now, trust me, you’re not alone. I’ve worked with countless couples who’ve felt this exact same way, and here’s the good news: that spark isn’t dead. It’s just hiding under a pile of laundry, stress, and forgotten date nights.

Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Getting that spark back takes work. But it’s the kind of work that actually feels good once you start doing it. Think of it like going to the gym after months of sitting on the couch.

The first few days? Brutal. But then you start feeling stronger, more alive, and you remember why you loved it in the first place.

After spending over seven years helping couples reconnect, I’ve seen relationships go from “barely speaking” to “can’t keep their hands off each other.”

And honestly? The formula isn’t rocket science. It’s about remembering who you fell in love with and deciding, every single day, to choose them again. So grab a cup of coffee (or tea, I don’t judge), and let’s talk about how to bring that fire back into your relationship.

Understanding Why The Love Feels Gone

Before we jump into fixing things, we need to talk about why relationships lose their spark in the first place. Ever noticed how a brand new car smells amazing, but after a few months, you don’t even notice it anymore? That’s basically what happens in relationships, except it’s way more complicated than air fresheners can fix.

When you first got together, everything was new and exciting. Your brain was literally flooded with chemicals that made you feel like you were floating on cloud nine. But here’s the kicker: those chemicals don’t last forever. They’re designed to get you hooked, not to sustain a long-term relationship. That’s where the real work begins.

The Science Behind Falling Out Of Love

Your brain is kind of a jerk sometimes. In the beginning, it pumps you full of dopamine, oxytocin, and all those feel-good chemicals. You’re literally high on love.

But after 12 to 18 months, your brain decides it’s time to chill out and return to normal. This is when reality hits and you start noticing that your partner chews too loudly or leaves their socks everywhere.

This doesn’t mean the love is gone. It just means you’ve moved from the “infatuation” stage to the “attachment” stage. The problem is, most people freak out when the butterflies disappear and assume something’s wrong. Spoiler alert: nothing’s wrong. You’re just entering a different phase that requires a different approach.

Common Relationship Killers

From my experience working with couples, here are the biggest spark-killers I see over and over again:

• Trying to change your partner: Nothing says “I don’t accept you” quite like constantly trying to mold someone into your ideal version of them.
• Hiding your true self: When you suppress who you really are just to keep the peace, resentment builds up faster than dirty dishes in the sink.
• Lack of appreciation: Remember when you used to notice every little thing they did? Yeah, that needs to come back.
• Communication breakdown: You went from talking for hours to grunting at each other about whose turn it is to take out the trash.
• Neglecting physical intimacy: And I’m not just talking about s#x here. When’s the last time you held hands or cuddled without it leading somewhere?

The truth is, when we stop respecting our differences and start trying to change each other, we kill the very attraction that brought us together. It’s like trying to make a cat act like a dog. Sure, you might get some results, but you’ll end up with one miserable cat.

How To Get The Spark Back In A Broken Relationship

Alright, now that we understand why things went sideways, let’s talk solutions. These aren’t quick fixes or magic pills. They’re real, practical strategies that actually work when you put in the effort. Ready? Let’s do this.

1. Diagnose The Reason For The Fall Out Of Love

You can’t fix a problem if you don’t know what’s broken, right? This is detective work, but instead of solving a crime, you’re solving the mystery of your disappearing romance. Grab a journal or just sit somewhere quiet and really think about when things started to shift.

Was it after the kids came? After that big fight about money? When work got crazy and you stopped having time for each other? Maybe your partner did something that hurt you and you never fully dealt with it. Or perhaps life just got so busy that you forgot to prioritize each other.

Here’s what I want you to do: make a list. Write down every possible reason you can think of for why the spark faded. Don’t judge yourself or your partner while doing this. Just get it all out on paper. Sometimes seeing it written down helps you spot patterns you didn’t notice before.

And hey, you might not get it 100% right, and that’s okay. The point is to start thinking critically about your relationship instead of just accepting that “this is how it is now.” Because trust me, it doesn’t have to be this way.

2. Open Up The Lines Of Communication

If I had a dollar for every time a couple told me “we just don’t talk anymore,” I’d be writing this from a beach somewhere. Communication is literally the foundation of everything else we’re going to talk about. Without it, you’re just two people living parallel lives.

But here’s the thing: you can’t just blurt out “you don’t love me anymore!” while your partner is trying to watch TV. Timing matters. Approach matters. You need to create a safe space for honest conversation, not an ambush.

How to start the conversation:

• Pick a calm moment when you’re both relaxed (not tired, hungry, or stressed)
• Start with appreciation: “I really value what we have, and I want to make it even better”
• Use “I” statements instead of “you” accusations: “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately” instead of “You never pay attention to me”
• Ask open-ended questions: “How have you been feeling about us lately?”
• Actually listen when they talk (put the phone down, make eye contact, the whole deal)

When your partner opens up, resist the urge to get defensive or interrupt. I know it’s hard, especially if they say something that stings. But remember, you asked for honesty. The goal here isn’t to win an argument. It’s to understand each other better and find your way back to connection.

Make communication a daily habit. Not just the “how was work?” surface-level stuff. Ask about their dreams, their fears, what made them laugh today. Show genuine interest in their inner world, not just their to-do list.

3. Practice Radical Gratitude

Okay, this one might sound cheesy, but stick with me. When you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, your brain naturally focuses on all the annoying things they do. It’s like wearing complaint-colored glasses. Everything looks irritating through that lens.

Gratitude flips that script. It retrains your brain to notice the good stuff again. And here’s the cool part: the more you look for things to appreciate, the more you’ll find them. It’s not magic, it’s just how our brains work.

Think back to when you first fell in love. What did you adore about them? Their sense of humor? The way they made you feel safe? Their ambition? Their kindness? Those qualities are still there, I promise. They’re just buried under layers of familiarity and frustration.

Gratitude practices that actually work:

• Every morning, think of three things you appreciate about your partner (even if one of them is just “they make good coffee”)
• Tell them directly: “I really appreciate how you handled that situation today”
• Write it down in a journal so you can look back when you’re feeling frustrated
• Focus on their strengths instead of dwelling on their weaknesses

Look, I’m not saying ignore real problems or pretend everything’s perfect when it’s not. But I am saying that if you only focus on what’s wrong, you’ll miss what’s right. And what’s right might be the key to fixing what’s wrong. Make sense?

4. Master The Art Of Compromise

Real talk: if you think a relationship means getting your way all the time, you’re going to have a rough time. Compromise isn’t about keeping score or making sure everything’s exactly 50/50. It’s about caring more about the relationship than about being right.

I’ve seen couples fight about the dumbest things. And I mean DUMB. What restaurant to go to, what color to paint the bathroom, whether to watch action movies or rom-coms. Meanwhile, they’re so busy fighting about the small stuff that they’re missing the big picture: they’re on the same team.

Compromise means sometimes you let your partner pick the movie even though you’d rather watch something else. It means finding creative solutions where both people feel heard and valued. It means recognizing that your way isn’t the only way, and that’s actually a beautiful thing.

Here’s a trick I teach couples: when you’re stuck on a decision, try the “both/and” approach instead of “either/or.” Instead of “Should we go out or stay in?” try “How can we make staying in feel special, or make going out more relaxing?” See the difference? You’re working together to solve the problem instead of against each other.

And when your partner does compromise for you, acknowledge it! Say thank you. Show appreciation. Don’t just take it for granted that they bent to accommodate you. These little acknowledgments build goodwill that makes future compromises easier.

5. Shift Your Focus To The Positive

Your mindset is everything. I mean EVERYTHING. You could have the most amazing partner in the world, but if you’re walking around with a negative attitude, you won’t see it. It’s like having a Ferrari but only looking at the scratch on the bumper.

I get it. When you’re hurt or disappointed, it’s hard to see the good stuff. Your brain wants to protect you by focusing on what’s wrong so you can fix it or avoid it. But here’s the problem: constant negativity becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You expect the worst, so that’s what you see, which confirms your negative expectations, and round and round you go.

Breaking this cycle requires conscious effort. You have to deliberately choose to focus on what’s working instead of what’s broken. And no, this isn’t toxic positivity or pretending problems don’t exist. It’s about balance.

Ways to cultivate a positive mindset:

• Start your day by thinking about one thing you’re looking forward to with your partner
• When negative thoughts pop up, acknowledge them but don’t dwell on them
• Replace complaints with requests: instead of “You never help,” try “I’d really appreciate your help with this”
• Celebrate small wins in your relationship (had a good conversation? That’s worth celebrating!)
• Remember that your happiness doesn’t depend on your partner being perfect

FYI, this doesn’t mean you become a doormat or ignore real issues. It means you approach those issues from a place of hope rather than despair. Big difference.

6. Reignite The Physical Connection

Alright, let’s talk about the elephant in the room: physical intimacy. And before you roll your eyes, hear me out. This isn’t just about s#x (though that’s part of it). It’s about all the ways you connect physically, from holding hands to cuddling on the couch to, yes, what happens in the bedroom.

Physical touch releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. It literally makes you feel closer to each other. When couples stop touching, they start feeling like roommates instead of lovers. And once you’re in roommate mode, it’s really hard to get back to lover mode.

Here’s what I see all the time: couples wait until they “feel like it” to be physical. But here’s the secret: sometimes you have to act first and let the feelings follow. I know that sounds backwards, but trust me on this. When you make the effort to be affectionate even when you don’t feel super connected, it actually helps rebuild that connection.

Ways to rebuild physical intimacy:

• Start small with non-s#xual touch: hold hands, hug for 20 seconds, give shoulder rubs
• Make your bedroom a sanctuary (not a storage room or office space)
• Set the mood with candles, soft music, or whatever makes you both feel relaxed
• Communicate about what you need and want (your partner can’t read your mind)
• Try new things together to break out of boring routines
• Don’t restrict intimacy to the bedroom (remember when you used to make out in the kitchen?)

And ladies, I’m going to be real with you: physical connection is often a primary need for men. When that need isn’t met, it affects everything else in the relationship. I’m not saying you should do anything you’re uncomfortable with, but I am saying it’s worth prioritizing if you want to rebuild your connection.

Make your bedroom inviting. Get rid of clutter. Invest in nice sheets. Wear something that makes you feel attractive. These little things add up to create an environment where intimacy can flourish instead of feeling like another chore on your to-do list.

7. Create Meaningful Rituals Together

You know what successful couples have that struggling couples don’t? Rituals. I’m not talking about anything fancy or complicated. I’m talking about small, consistent things you do together that create connection and predictability in your relationship.

Rituals are like relationship glue. They give you something to look forward to and create shared experiences that bond you together. They also provide structure in a chaotic world, which is surprisingly comforting.

Think about it: when you first got together, you probably had rituals without even realizing it. Maybe you always got coffee together on Sunday mornings, or you had a special way of saying goodbye, or you watched a certain show together every week. Those rituals created connection.

Rituals you can create (or recreate):

• Morning coffee together before the day gets crazy
• A goodnight kiss and “I love you” before bed (every single night, no exceptions)
• Weekly date nights (doesn’t have to be expensive, just intentional)
• Sunday morning pancakes or whatever food you both love
• A walk together after dinner
• Reading together in bed
• Cooking a meal together once a week
• A special way of greeting each other when you come home

The key is consistency. Rituals only work if you actually do them regularly. They become the threads that weave your lives together in meaningful ways. And when you’re going through a rough patch, these rituals can be the lifeline that keeps you connected.

Sit down with your partner and brainstorm some rituals you want to create together. Make sure they’re realistic and sustainable. There’s no point in committing to something you can’t actually maintain. Start small and build from there.

8. Express Appreciation Consistently

Here’s a question for you: when’s the last time you told your partner you love them and actually meant it? Not just a rushed “love you” as you’re running out the door, but a genuine, heartfelt expression of appreciation?

We get so comfortable in relationships that we stop expressing appreciation. We assume our partner knows we love them, so why say it? But here’s the thing: people need to hear it. They need to feel valued and appreciated, not just assumed to be loved.

Appreciation is like watering a plant. You can’t just water it once and expect it to thrive forever. You have to keep watering it consistently if you want it to grow. Same with relationships. You have to keep expressing appreciation if you want the love to grow.

Ways to show appreciation:

• Say “I love you” and look them in the eyes when you say it
• Leave little notes where they’ll find them
• Send a sweet text in the middle of the day
• Verbally acknowledge things they do: “Thank you for taking care of that”
• Give genuine compliments (not just about appearance)
• Brag about them to other people (and let them overhear it)
• Physical affection: hugs, kisses, hand-holding
• Do something thoughtful without being asked

IMO, one of the biggest relationship mistakes is taking your partner for granted. We do it without even realizing it. We stop noticing the things they do every day because they’ve become routine. But those things still matter, and they still deserve acknowledgment.

Challenge yourself to express appreciation at least once a day. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. A simple “I appreciate you” can make a huge difference in how your partner feels valued in the relationship.

9. Choose Love Even When It’s Hard

Okay, this is where I’m going to get a little tough-love on you. Love isn’t just a feeling. It’s a choice. And sometimes you have to choose love even when you don’t feel particularly loving. Actually, especially when you don’t feel particularly loving.

Those warm fuzzy feelings? They come and go. They’re influenced by hormones, stress levels, how much sleep you got, whether you’re hungry, and about a million other factors. If you only act loving when you feel loving, your relationship is going to be a roller coaster of inconsistency.

This is what separates couples who make it from couples who don’t. The ones who make it have learned to act with love even when they don’t feel it. They show up. They put in the effort. They choose their partner over and over again, even on the days when it would be easier not to.

Does this sound exhausting? Maybe a little. But here’s the cool part: when you act loving even when you don’t feel it, the feelings often follow. It’s like smiling when you’re sad. The physical act of smiling actually triggers your brain to release happy chemicals. Same principle applies to love.

What choosing love looks like:

• Being kind even when you’re annoyed
• Saying “I love you” even after a fight
• Doing something nice for them when you’d rather be selfish
• Choosing patience instead of frustration
• Giving them grace when they mess up
• Showing up for them even when it’s inconvenient

This doesn’t mean you become a doormat or tolerate bad behavior. It means you approach your relationship from a place of commitment rather than just emotion. You’re in this for the long haul, not just for the moments when everything feels easy and perfect.

10. Practice Forgiveness And Let Things Go

If I could give couples one superpower, it would be the ability to forgive and actually move on. Not fake forgiveness where you say it’s fine but secretly hold a grudge. Real forgiveness where you genuinely let it go and don’t bring it up in every future argument.

Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. It doesn’t hurt them nearly as much as it hurts you. That bitterness eats away at your happiness and your relationship until there’s nothing left but anger and disappointment.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean what they did was okay. It doesn’t mean you have to forget it happened. It means you’re choosing not to let it define your relationship moving forward. You’re choosing to give your partner (and yourself) a fresh start.

Here’s the reality: as long as you’re together, you’re going to hurt each other. It’s inevitable. You’re two imperfect people trying to build a life together. There will be misunderstandings, mistakes, and moments when someone drops the ball. The question is: are you going to let those moments destroy you, or are you going to work through them?

How to practice real forgiveness:

• Talk about what happened instead of bottling it up
• Express how it made you feel using “I” statements
• Listen to your partner’s perspective without getting defensive
• Decide consciously to let it go once you’ve talked it through
• Don’t bring it up in future arguments (this is crucial)
• Give your partner a chance to make things right
• Remember times when you needed forgiveness too

Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event. Some hurts take longer to heal than others, and that’s okay. But you have to be actively working toward forgiveness, not just sitting in your hurt and expecting things to magically get better.

And please, for the love of everything, learn to fight fair. No name-calling, no bringing up ancient history, no low blows designed to hurt. When you fight dirty, you create wounds that are really hard to heal. When you fight fair, you can actually resolve issues and come out stronger on the other side.

Making It All Work In Real Life

So we’ve covered a lot of ground here. You might be feeling a little overwhelmed, and honestly? That’s normal. Rebuilding a relationship isn’t a weekend project. It’s an ongoing commitment that requires patience, effort, and a whole lot of grace for both yourself and your partner.

The good news is you don’t have to do everything at once. Pick one or two things from this list and start there. Maybe you commit to better communication and creating one weekly ritual. Once those become habits, add something else. Small, consistent changes add up to big results over time.

What To Do When Your Partner Isn’t On Board

Here’s a tough reality: sometimes you’re ready to work on the relationship, but your partner isn’t there yet. This is frustrating as hell, I know. You’re reading articles, trying to make changes, and they’re just… existing.

First, don’t give up immediately. Sometimes change starts with one person. When you start showing up differently in the relationship, it often inspires your partner to step up too. Lead by example and see what happens.

Second, have an honest conversation about where you’re at. Use the communication tips from earlier and tell your partner you want to work on things. Ask if they’re willing to try. If they say no or show no interest, then you have some hard decisions to make about your future.

But if they’re willing to try, even if they’re not as enthusiastic as you are, that’s something to work with. Meet them where they are and move forward together, even if it’s slower than you’d like.

When To Consider Professional Help

Look, I’m a therapist, so obviously I’m going to suggest therapy. But seriously, there’s no shame in getting professional help. Sometimes you need an objective third party to help you see patterns you can’t see on your own and give you tools you don’t have.

Consider couples therapy if:

• You’ve tried everything on your own and nothing’s working
• There’s been infidelity or a major betrayal
• You can’t have a conversation without it turning into a fight
• One or both of you is considering leaving
• There’s abuse of any kind (physical, emotional, verbal)
• You’re stuck in the same patterns and can’t break free

A good therapist can help you understand the deeper issues in your relationship and give you practical strategies for addressing them. It’s like having a relationship coach who’s trained specifically to help couples reconnect.

Setting Realistic Expectations

Can we talk about expectations for a second? Because I think this is where a lot of people get discouraged. They expect that once they start trying, everything will magically get better overnight. And when it doesn’t, they give up.

Rebuilding a relationship takes time. If it took months or years for things to deteriorate, it’s going to take time to rebuild. You’re not going to go from barely speaking to madly in love in a week. That’s not realistic, and expecting it will just set you up for disappointment.

What you can expect is gradual improvement. Small moments of connection that become more frequent. Conversations that feel a little easier. A sense that you’re moving in the right direction, even if progress is slow.

Celebrate those small wins! They matter more than you think. Every positive interaction is building a foundation for a stronger relationship. Don’t dismiss them because they’re not dramatic enough. Real change happens in the small, consistent moments, not the grand gestures.

Taking Care Of Yourself In The Process

Here’s something people don’t talk about enough: you can’t pour from an empty cup. If you’re running yourself ragged trying to fix your relationship while neglecting yourself, you’re going to burn out fast.

Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. You need to be emotionally, physically, and mentally healthy to show up well in your relationship. That means getting enough sleep, eating decent food, moving your body, and doing things that bring you joy.

It also means maintaining your identity outside of the relationship. Keep your friendships. Pursue your hobbies. Have interests that are just yours. This makes you a more interesting partner and prevents you from becoming codependent.

And please, be kind to yourself through this process. You’re going to have days where you nail it and days where you completely drop the ball. That’s okay. That’s human. Don’t beat yourself up for not being perfect. Just keep showing up and trying.

Real Talk About Whether It’s Worth It

I’m going to be honest with you about something that might be hard to hear. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, a relationship just isn’t meant to continue. And that’s okay. Not every relationship is worth saving, and knowing when to walk away is just as important as knowing how to fight for what you have.

How do you know if it’s worth it? Ask yourself these questions:

• Is there mutual respect, even when things are hard?
• Are both people willing to work on the relationship?
• Is there a foundation of love underneath the problems?
• Do you both want the same future together?
• Is the relationship safe (emotionally and physically)?
• Can you imagine being genuinely happy together again?

If you answered yes to most of these, your relationship is probably worth fighting for. If you answered no to most of them, you might need to have a different conversation about whether staying together makes sense.

I’ve seen relationships come back from the brink of divorce and become stronger than ever. I’ve also seen people stay in relationships way longer than they should have because they were afraid of being alone or starting over. Only you can decide which category your relationship falls into.

But if you’re here, reading this article, trying to figure out how to make things better, that tells me you still care. And where there’s care, there’s hope. So don’t give up just yet. Try these strategies. Give it your honest best effort. And then see where you are in a few months.

Your Relationship Deserves Your Best Effort

Relationships are weird, aren’t they? They’re simultaneously the most rewarding and most challenging things we do as humans. They bring us the highest highs and the lowest lows. And when things go wrong, it can feel like your whole world is falling apart.

But here’s what I want you to remember: that person you fell in love with is still in there. They might be buried under stress, hurt feelings, and years of disconnection, but they’re still there. And you’re still in there too, underneath all your own stuff.

Getting the spark back isn’t about becoming different people. It’s about remembering who you were when you first fell in love and bringing those versions of yourselves back to the table. It’s about choosing each other again, every single day, even when it’s hard.

Is it going to be easy? Nope. Is it going to happen overnight? Definitely not. Will there be setbacks and frustrating moments? Absolutely. But will it be worth it when you’re lying in bed together six months from now, feeling connected and in love again? Hell yes.

So take what you’ve learned here and put it into action. Start small. Be patient. Give yourself and your partner grace. And remember that the best relationships aren’t the ones that never have problems. They’re the ones where both people are committed to working through the problems together.

You’ve got this. Your relationship has survived this long for a reason. Now it’s time to help it thrive again. 🙂

Final Thoughts

Getting the spark back in a broken relationship isn’t about finding some magic formula or perfect solution. It’s about showing up consistently, communicating honestly, and choosing love even when it’s hard. The strategies I’ve shared here work, but only if you actually use them. Start with one or two changes, be patient with the process, and remember that rebuilding takes time.

Your relationship didn’t break overnight, and it won’t heal overnight either. But with genuine effort, mutual commitment, and a willingness to be vulnerable with each other, you can absolutely bring back that connection you thought was lost forever. The spark isn’t gone. It’s just waiting for you to fan it back into flame.