10 Questions to Ask Your Fiancé Before Getting Married

Look, I’m gonna be real with you, engagement isn’t just about planning the perfect wedding and picking out china patterns.

Sure, those Instagram-worthy proposal photos are nice, but the real magic happens in those deep, sometimes awkward conversations you have curled up on your couch at 2 AM.

As someone who’s spent over seven years helping couples navigate the choppy waters of love, I can tell you this: the couples who make it aren’t the ones who never fight.

They’re the ones who ask the hard questions before they say “I do.” Trust me, I’ve seen too many couples come to me six months into marriage wondering why they didn’t know their partner hated the idea of joint bank accounts or dreamed of moving to a tiny house in Montana.

So grab your favorite beverage, get comfy, and let’s talk about the game-changing questions that could save your marriage before it even starts.

1. Why Did You Choose Me?

Okay, this might sound like fishing for compliments, but hear me out. This question goes way deeper than “you’re pretty” or “you make great tacos.”

When I ask couples this in therapy, I’m looking for answers that show genuine understanding of each other’s character. Does your partner love your ambition? Your kindness to strangers? The way you ugly-cry at dog rescue videos?

Here’s what I’ve noticed: couples who can articulate specific, meaningful reasons for choosing each other tend to weather storms better.

It’s like having a relationship anchor, when things get tough (and they will), you can remember why you fell for this person in the first place.

One couple I worked with, Sarah and Mike, had been together for three years but had never really talked about this.

When Sarah answered, she said she chose Mike because “he sees potential in everything, broken furniture, stray cats, even in me on my worst days.” That conversation became the foundation for how they handle conflict now.

Real talk: If your partner’s answer is just about your looks or how you make them feel, that’s a red flag worth exploring. Love that’s only skin-deep doesn’t last when life gets messy.

2. Do You Want More Children?

Oh boy, this is where things can get spicy real quick. Family planning isn’t exactly pillow talk, but it’s probably one of the most important conversations you’ll ever have.

I’ve seen marriages implode over this single issue. Like, completely fall apart. One person assumes “of course we’ll have kids” while the other is secretly planning a child-free life with matching rescue dogs and European vacations.

Here’s what you need to cover:

• Do you both want kids? (Seems obvious, but you’d be surprised)
• How many are we talking about? Two? Seven? “Let’s see what happens”?
• What’s the timeline looking like? Right away? In five years? When you feel “ready” (spoiler alert: nobody ever feels ready)?
• What if you can’t have biological children? Adoption? IVF? Acceptance?

I had a client, Jennifer, who discovered three months into marriage that her husband expected her to be a stay-at-home mom to their future four children. She was planning to pursue her Master’s degree. Yikes.

Don’t be Jennifer and her husband. Have this conversation now, when you can still make informed decisions about your future together.

3. When Did You Know I Was the One?

This question always makes me smile because the answers are usually so beautifully random. I’ve heard everything from “when you cried at that commercial with the puppy” to “when you didn’t judge me for eating cereal for dinner three nights in a row.”

But here’s why this matters beyond the warm fuzzies: it reveals what your partner values most about your connection. Was it a moment of vulnerability? Your sense of humor? How you handled a crisis together?

One of my favorite client stories involves Tom, who knew his now-wife was “the one” when she showed up to his apartment at midnight with soup when he had food poisoning.

Not because she brought soup (although that was nice), but because she didn’t make it weird or dramatic. She just took care of him and left him to recover in peace.

That story told me everything about what Tom valued: practical love over grand gestures, care without conditions, and respect for boundaries.

What does your partner’s “I knew” moment say about what they treasure in relationships?

4. Are You Happy with Our Life Right Now?

Whew, this one’s loaded, isn’t it? But honestly, if you can’t handle this question now, marriage is gonna be rough.

I always tell couples that happiness isn’t a constant state, it’s more like good weather. Sometimes it’s sunny, sometimes it’s stormy, but the question is: are you content with the overall climate of your relationship?

This conversation should cover:

Current satisfaction levels: Are there areas where your partner feels unfulfilled or restless?

Unspoken expectations: Maybe they’ve been hoping you’ll be more social, or they’re feeling overwhelmed by your social calendar.

Future concerns: Are there things about your current dynamic that worry them long-term?

I worked with a couple where the woman was deeply unhappy with their social life but hadn’t mentioned it because she didn’t want to seem “needy.”

Meanwhile, her fiancé thought everything was perfect. Six months of resentment could have been avoided with one honest conversation.

Remember, this isn’t about achieving perfect happiness, it’s about ensuring you’re both aware of where you stand and where you want to go together.

5. What Would Make You Leave Me Forever?

Okay, I know this sounds dramatic, but every person has deal-breakers, whether they’ve thought about them consciously or not. And honestly? It’s better to know them now than to discover them when you’re signing divorce papers.

These boundaries usually fall into a few categories:

Non-negotiables around respect: Abuse, betrayal, consistent disregard for feelings

Lifestyle conflicts: Addiction issues, financial irresponsibility, major personality changes

Value misalignments: Different views on fidelity, honesty, family priorities

Here’s what I’ve learned from years of counseling: people often assume their partner shares their deal-breakers, but that’s not always true.

You might think cheating is an automatic relationship-ender, but your partner might believe in working through it. Neither approach is right or wrong, but you need to know where you both stand.

This conversation isn’t about creating a list of threats, it’s about understanding boundaries and values. When couples know each other’s non-negotiables, they can actively choose to honor them.

6. How Will We Maintain This Relationship?

Here’s something nobody tells you about marriage: the “in love” feelings don’t maintain themselves. Love is part feeling, part choice, and part daily action. The couples who stay connected are the ones who get intentional about it.

So what’s your maintenance plan? And I don’t mean “we’ll figure it out as we go”, that’s like saying you’ll maintain your car by hoping it doesn’t break down.

Successful relationship maintenance usually includes:

• Regular check-ins about feelings and concerns
• Protected time together (and apart)
• Shared activities that bring you both joy
• Honest communication about needs and changes
• Space for individual growth and interests

I love working with couples who get creative with this. One pair I know has “marriage meetings” every Sunday morning over coffee, they discuss everything from weekend plans to deeper relationship stuff. Another couple takes turns planning surprise activities for each other monthly.

The key is finding what works for your unique dynamic and committing to it even when life gets crazy.

7. How Did You Think I’d React When I Saw This Photo of My Ex on Facebook?

Okay, this specific scenario might not apply to everyone, but the underlying question absolutely does: How well do you understand my emotional reactions and triggers?

This is really about emotional intelligence and empathy within your relationship. Can your partner predict how you’ll respond to various situations? Do they understand your insecurities, your triggers, your communication style when you’re upset?

I use scenarios like this in therapy because they reveal so much:

Jealousy and trust patterns: How do you both handle past relationship baggage?

Communication styles: Do you talk things through or bottle them up?

Conflict resolution: When something bothers you, what happens next?

Emotional support: Does your partner know how to comfort you when you’re triggered?

One couple I worked with discovered that the woman needed reassurance through words when she felt insecure, while her fiancé showed love through actions.

Neither approach was wrong, but they were missing each other completely until they had this conversation.

8. How Often Do You Lie to Me/Others?

Oof. Nobody wants to think about their partner as a liar, but let’s get real, everyone lies sometimes. The question is: what kind of lies, how often, and why?

There’s a big difference between:

• “I told you I loved your haircut” (harmless social lubricant)
• “I didn’t buy anything today” while hiding shopping bags (problematic financial deception)
• “I was working late” while actually at a bar (trust-breaking deception)

In my practice, I’ve found that most relationship lies fall into these categories:

Protective lies: Avoiding hurt feelings or unnecessary worry

Shame-based lies: Hiding things they’re embarrassed about

Control lies: Managing their partner’s reactions or behavior

Convenience lies: Avoiding conflict or complicated explanations

The goal isn’t to create a lie-free relationship (good luck with that) but to understand your partner’s relationship with honesty. Do they lie to avoid conflict? To protect your feelings? Out of habit?

This conversation can actually strengthen trust when handled with compassion and curiosity rather than judgment.

9. What’s Been the Best Day So Far in Our Relationship?

This question is like relationship vitamins, it nourishes your connection by focusing on peak moments rather than problems.

But here’s the interesting part: the answer tells you what your partner values most about your time together. Is it a quiet moment of intimacy? An adventure you shared? A time when you supported them through something difficult?

I love this question because it serves multiple purposes:

• Reminds you both of positive shared experiences
• Reveals what makes your partner feel most loved and connected
• Creates a reference point for planning future special moments
• Shifts focus from problems to appreciation

One client, David, answered this by describing a random Tuesday when his fiancée surprised him with his favorite lunch during a stressful work week.

Not their first vacation together or the proposal, just a simple act of thoughtfulness on an ordinary day.

That answer taught his partner more about David’s love language than months of guessing had accomplished.

10. If You Knew Something Wrong About Me, What Would It Be?

Buckle up, buttercup, this question requires some serious emotional maturity from both sides.

Everyone has quirks, habits, or traits that might drive their partner a little nuts. The question is whether you can discuss these things with love and humor rather than judgment and criticism.

This conversation might reveal:

• Small habits that annoy your partner (leaving dishes in the sink, always being 10 minutes late)
• Deeper concerns about compatibility (different social needs, communication styles)
• Areas where growth might strengthen your relationship
• Things your partner has been hesitant to bring up

The goal isn’t to create a laundry list of complaints, it’s about creating space for honest, loving feedback. When handled well, this conversation can actually increase intimacy and understanding.

I always remind couples that the point isn’t to change each other but to understand what you’re both signing up for and decide if you can love each other’s imperfections.

Bonus Questions That Can Change Everything

Since we’re already diving deep, here are a few more conversation starters that have saved countless relationships in my office:

“How do you want to handle money in our marriage?”, Because financial stress destroys more marriages than almost anything else.

“What does a successful marriage look like to you?”, Your definitions might be surprisingly different.

“How important is it for you to maintain individual friendships and hobbies?”, Some people need lots of independence; others prefer to do everything together.

“What role do our families play in our marriage?”, Boundaries with in-laws can make or break a relationship.

Why These Conversations Matter More Than Your Guest List

Look, I get it. Planning a wedding is overwhelming, and these heavy conversations might feel like homework when you’d rather be tasting cake flavors.

But here’s what I tell every couple I work with: you can have the perfect wedding and still end up in my office six months later wondering what went wrong.

The couples who thrive long-term are the ones who prioritize understanding over assumptions. They ask hard questions, listen to uncomfortable answers, and choose each other with full knowledge of who they’re marrying.

These conversations aren’t one-and-done, either. Your answers will evolve as you both grow and change. The couple who has these talks regularly creates a marriage that can adapt and strengthen over time.

Making These Conversations Feel Natural

I know what you’re thinking: “This sounds like an interrogation, not romance.” Fair point 🙂 But these conversations don’t have to feel clinical or scary.

Here are some tips from my therapy playbook:

Try the “gradual approach”: Bring up one question during a long car ride or quiet evening together, rather than scheduling a formal “relationship meeting.”

Create a safe space: Start with the easier questions and build trust before diving into the heavier stuff.

Share your own answers first: Vulnerability breeds vulnerability. Be willing to go first with your own honest responses.

Stay curious, not judgmental: The goal is understanding, not changing your partner’s mind or proving a point.

Use follow-up questions: “Tell me more about that” or “How long have you felt that way?” can deepen the conversation.

What to Do with the Answers

Sometimes these conversations reveal perfect alignment, you both want the same things and have compatible values. Fantastic! But what if they don’t?

Different answers don’t automatically mean you’re incompatible. Sometimes they just mean you need to dig deeper, compromise, or find creative solutions together.

But sometimes? Sometimes they reveal fundamental incompatibilities that are worth addressing before you walk down the aisle. I’d rather have a couple postpone their wedding to work through major differences than spend their first year of marriage in crisis mode.

Your Relationship Homework (Don’t Worry, It’s Fun)

Here’s my challenge for you: pick one question from this list and bring it up with your partner this week. Not all of them, that would be overwhelming. Just one.

See how the conversation goes. Notice whether you both feel heard and understood. Pay attention to whether the talk brings you closer together or creates tension that needs addressing.

Remember: The goal isn’t to have identical answers to every question. It’s to understand each other deeply enough to choose each other with full awareness of who you’re marrying.

Final Thoughts

After years of helping couples, I’ve learned that successful marriages aren’t built on compatibility alone, they’re built on the willingness to keep having these conversations throughout your life together.

The couple who can talk honestly about money, kids, family, dreams, and fears? They’re the ones celebrating their 50th anniversary while still genuinely enjoying each other’s company.

Your engagement period is practice for a lifetime of honest communication. Use it well.